At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
