My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
