I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
