Me. At least after what I've been through.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
