Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
