I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
