Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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