Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
