Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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