I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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