why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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