UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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