I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just gift wrapped bread.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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