I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
