When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I supernannyed him into submission
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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