enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
