best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
