did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
