I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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