I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
