The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
