do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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