i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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