Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
