Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
