Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
