I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
