Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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