I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
