i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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