things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
