dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
