I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
