Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
