I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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