I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Floor bacon is actually really good
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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