I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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