Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
