consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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