i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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