yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
