I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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