I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
