I wish I could punch you in the face.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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