You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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