The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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