a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
