I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
