There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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