You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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