i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
